rivers_bend

A couple of weeks ago, jackoweskla mentioned AU, high school and tentacles in conjunction with House/Wilson fan fic. A crack!fic crossover bunny attacked. Here is what resulted.

Fandom: The Faculty and House
Rating: PG (for scenes of mild peril)
Words: ~2,800
Warnings: There’s crack. And AU. And James and Greg are in high school. And there’s tentacles. But no pr0n.
Disclaimers: I don’t own The Faculty. I don’t own House. This whole thing is so not my fault.
A/N: I figured while I was making House and Wilson 25 or so years younger I might as well set The Faculty today. If only because the video games are cooler now than they were in 1998.
Thank you to karokegal and fallen_arazil for beta on this.




Greg House was a senior. Again. It wasn’t a lack of brains but a lack of interest that kept him back. If he and his best friend Zeke had spent less time in Zeke’s lab, and more time at school, they both could have graduated on time. Not that Greg minded putting off college for another year. It all sounded too much like hard work anyway.

He heard Zeke calling him to come get in the car or they would be late. He filled one last pen with Zeke’s latest pick-me up recipe, grabbed his bag and they left for school.

**

James hadn’t wanted to move to Ohio. He didn’t want to be a Harrington Hornet. He didn’t want to be the youngest freshman by over a year. He was so low in the schools pecking order he didn’t even get picked on. He might as well not exist.

With a vantage point over the parking lot, the bus unloading zone and the school’s front entrance, James sat under a tree, chin on his knees, overstuffed book bag nestled against his hip. He could feel the corner of his pencil case poking him. James always liked to have the right pen for every occasion, so the case was the size of a paperback book. He didn’t bother moving it, feeling a vague sense of comfort knowing it was there. He watched as the school bullies reduced Casey Connor to a sac cupping huddle on the lawn. Again.

James wanted to go over and stop them, but knew he had no chance against the older, bigger and much meaner boys. Besides, Casey didn’t like it when people tried to interfere - he thought it made him look even more pathetic than if he just got the shit kicked out of him. James admired Casey, even if the older boy mostly ignored him. He was a great photographer, he always knew the answers in Science, and even if it was clear Delilah did it grudgingly, and only because she was the editor of the paper, Delilah Profitt, head cheerleader, actually spoke to Casey. Nearly every day.

A dark blue car came skidding into the parking lot, tires squealing in tandem with the first bell. James’s eyes were drawn to the pair of boys who emerged from its low slung hulk. He’d been watching them for weeks, in awe of their insouciance. Zeke was all loose limbs, rolling hips, wild hair charm. James could understand why the passing girls covered their mouths as they glanced at him and then each other, giggling in delight, but it was Zeke’s friend Greg that caught James’s eye. He had none of Zeke’s swagger, seeming always to be still. Watching. Absorbing information as he let the world swirl around him.

**

Greg ignored the press of underclassmen who gathered around the trunk as Zeke opened it for a little last minute business before class. His attention was instead caught by Miss Burke crossing the lot. He’d seen her watching Zeke when the class had their heads down, reading or taking a quiz. He wished she would watch him that way, but he understood that Zeke was the one who was always going to turn heads, while Greg just faded into the background.

As Greg followed Miss Burke’s progress through the press of students lapping at the school doors like the tide going in, he saw a boy watching him. He looked like someone’s little brother rather than a real student, but his apparent familiarity with the patch of ground he’d staked out under the tree coupled with the hornet on his backpack made Greg reconsider. He fixed the boy with a ‘fuck off now’ stare but the boy didn’t look away. Instead, he just settled his chin deeper between his knees and looked back as though he thought Greg’s glare must be meant for someone else.

**

James looked away from Greg and Zeke when he saw, from the corner of his eye, Casey headed in his direction. Gathering his book bag, he moved to intercept him, a question about last night’s biology homework on his lips. James spent a great deal of his time thinking up excuses to start conversations with Casey. This time, Delilah got there first, badgering Casey about the paper. Giving up, James shrugged his bag over both shoulders and went to class.

That was where things started to get weird.

Mrs. Olson was just not herself in drama class, smoothing her newly coiffed hair and drinking water with an endless thirst, but that was nothing compared to what happened in biology. Casey had found some sort of new animal on the field at lunch time. By the time James got to class Mr Furlong and Zeke were looking at it under a microscope.

The whole class crowded around to see, and James was shoved right to the back. He couldn’t see what was going on until Mr. Furlong walked past him with the creature on a dissecting tray. The husk Casey had found had been revived when water spilled on it. Mr. Furlong wanted to see what would happen if he submerged it. When he put the shrimp-like animal in the aquarium, it grew tentacles. And replicated itself. James stayed in the back of the crowd so he didn’t get to see it very well, but he saw the blood when it bit Mr. Furlong. That made James glad he hadn’t been close enough to touch the thing, but also made him more curious about it.

**

Zeke couldn’t wait to see Greg to tell him about the pelagic organism. Casey was a major dweeb to be sure, but Zeke had to admit the guy had found something good. The creature had tentacles and split right in two when Furlong touched it. And it seemed to sprout teeth out of nowhere. He hadn’t noticed any when he was looking at it under the scope. Zeke found Greg in the hall outside Miss Burke’s classroom. He was sceptical to say the least. A new species of sea creature on a football field in Ohio?

Greg was just building up steam on his argument against the possibility of Zeke having seen what he thought he saw when Zeke beckoned someone over. “Hey kid. You saw the creature didn’t you?” It was the boy from under the tree.

“It was amazing!” James felt himself blushing. He hadn’t meant to sound so eager. The look Greg gave him was withering.

“Zeke said it looked dead but came to life when it got wet.” Greg appeared to be challenging James to confirm this information.

“Well, I couldn’t really see it before it went in the tank, but it wasn’t moving or anything. Zeke was the one who got to see it under the microscope.” Zeke clapped James on the shoulder. James couldn’t believe it. Zeke and Greg. Too cool for school, talking to him. In full view of the other students walking past.

“So what, it’s some kind of squid?” Greg was still not convinced.

“Not tentacles like a squid, more like, I don’t know. Tendrils I guess.” Zeke trailed off as his attention was captured by a blonde girl walking past. “Ok, gotta go, catch you later.” He pushed through the crowds, trying to catch up with the girl.

Greg started to walk off as well. “I could take to you to see if you wanted.” The words fell out of James’s mouth before he could stop them. Greg stopped and turned, leaning against a locker, arms crossed.

“I know where Furlong’s classroom is, what do I need you for?” Which was just what James could have predicted he would say.

“I just thought…” James clapped a hand over his mouth, seemingly unable to stop his words with will alone.

Greg looked at the boy. “What’s your name?”

James slowly lowered his hand. “James.”

“Jimmy?”

“I prefer James.” James knew, just knew that Greg was the type to call him Jimmy all the time if he knew James didn’t like it. “I mean Jimmy’s ok if you want.”

“Come on then Jimmy, let’s go see this squid thing.” Greg tugged at James’s sleeve when the boy seemed rooted to the spot.

When they got to the classroom, there was nothing there. Greg looked at James expectantly. James could only shrug. “Well Jimmy, this has been fun. Great creature you have here.” The look Greg levelled in James’s direction as he walked out the door managed to convey suspicion, disbelief and amusement in equal measure. The door clicked shut behind him and James was left alone to stare at the empty aquarium.

* * * * * *

James was dismayed when he arrived at school the next day to find things had not gone back to normal. It wasn’t that normal was great or anything, but at least he knew where he stood with it. Instead, half the students were walking around like vaguely amused zombies and the staff all seemed to have been on Extreme Makeover. There were students lining up outside the nurse’s room for ear examinations and Principal Drake was on the PA all day calling students to the office. James had seen Casey and Delilah nip into the bathroom together and when Delilah came out she did not look like they had been doing anything to put a smile on her face. James tried to keep his head down and stay away from all the weird.

Greg saw the blank faces of the students in his Econ class and decided to cut out. He definitely wanted no part of whatever was going on. He went out to the parking lot just in time to see Zeke jump in the car with the quarterback, his cheerleader girlfriend, the snap for the school paper, that blonde chick he’d been after and, god was that? Stokely. They seemed to be running away from half the football team. “What the fuck is up with that?” Greg never intended that anyone would answer his question.

“Where’s Zeke going with Casey?” James was standing right behind him and made Greg jump.

“Dude. Do not fucking sneak up behind me like that.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just, I didn’t know that Zeke and Casey were friends.” James was trying to peer around Greg’s arm as though the answers to the puzzle could be found in the now empty lot.

“They aren’t friends. He’s not friends with any of those losers. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Why did he leave without you?” James wished the words back as soon as he said them.

“Jimmy, shut up.” Greg pushed past the younger boy and started off down the hall.

James wasn’t particularly adept at noticing when he wasn’t wanted. He followed Greg down the hall and through the door to the boiler room. “Why are you going in here?”

“I am going in here because the school is filled with freaks and my ride just left. The more interesting question Jimmy, is why are you coming with me?”

James let the door to the boiler room close behind him. “I just thought, I don’t know.”

“You’re a weird kid Jimmy. Has anyone ever told you that before?” Greg’s voice was kinder than his words implied.

A hollow metal clang echoed from somewhere over Greg’s left shoulder. “What was that?” James’s fingers tightened spastically on the straps of his backpack.

Greg spun around towards the source of the noise. “Shhh!”

A janitor stepped out from behind the hulk of steel that dominated the back of the room. He had a shovel in his hands and his smile when he saw the boys made James clutch at Greg’s wrist. “Well hello boys. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Greg backed up against the wall, pulling James, who still had a grip on his wrist, with him. “No way.” James wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear Greg’s whisper or not.

“Come here boys. This won’t take long. You have nothing to worry about.” The janitor was walking towards them, shovel held up like a supremely outsized conductors baton.

“I swear to god he’s straight out of Resi 4,” Greg muttered.

“What?” James wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. Greg didn’t answer. He was busy wrenching the fire axe from the clutch of it’s cradle. He finally got it free and whirled back to face the janitor again.

“Stay away from us you freak,” Greg hissed as he brandished the axe. The janitor thrust the blade of the shovel forwards. Greg swung the axe. It severed the janitor’s hand and sent the shovel flying. James screamed as a fountain of tentacles spouted from the stump of arm. “No way!” Greg shouted this time. “He is totally Resi 4. They do that if you shoot them in the head.”

“Is now really the time for this?” James was scrabbling behind him for the door handle. His fingers closed around it just as he noticed that the severed hand was scuttling towards him, a frenzy of fingers and tendrils. He pushed through the door, dragging Greg behind him.

James ran as fast as he ever had, the clutch of Greg’s cuff cutting into his fingers. He heard the axe clatter to the floor as they hit a bank of lockers taking a corner too tight. Class was in session and the halls were empty. They made it out the front door with no sign of the tentacled freak behind them.

When they reached the street they stopped. “I only live two blocks away.” James was out of breath and could hardly get the words out.

“What the fuck was that? What is going on around here?” Greg tried to catch James’s eye, but the boy wouldn’t look at him.

“I’m not going to think about it right now. It didn’t happen. Ok? It just didn’t happen.” James’s voice shook and he kept his back to Greg.

Greg considered the situation. Decided he didn’t really want to dwell on having cut off a man’s hand with an axe. Even if the man was some sort of tentacled mutant. “Let’s go to your house then. Which way?”

“This way.” James set off across the street. With a final look back at the school, Greg followed.

When they got inside, the boys made sure all the doors and windows were locked. They ended up in the kitchen. “Do you want some cookies? My mom makes them.” James had his hand on the lid of a cookie jar.

“Are you serious?” Greg couldn’t believe that after everything that had just happened James was offering him cookies like they were having some sort of playdate.

“They’re chocolate chip.” James held one out.

Greg had to smile. James’s powers of denial were a wonder to behold.

“I don’t have any Residence Evil games, but my big brother has Tomb Raider if you want to play.”

Greg laughed, but James looked completely serious. Greg took the cookie from James’s still outstretched hand. “Why the hell not? The school’s full of squid/human hybrids, my best friend’s gone off with a pack of jocks and dweebs to do god knows what god knows where, and I’m stuck with a kid who thinks the appropriate response to all of this is mom’s cookies.” Greg took a bite. “Oh my god.” Greg could not believe how good the cookie was. “You are so right. The answer to everything is these cookies. Bring the jar. Where’s Tomb Raider?”

They ate the rest of the cookies and drank a half gallon of milk between them. Greg finished the whole of Tomb Raider - Legends while James watched him. Greg didn’t talk much, but James thought it looked like he was having an ok time. He couldn’t really believe that someone as cool as Greg was actually sitting on his couch eating cookies and playing videogames. Greg finally went home when James’s parents got back from the big football game, looking disoriented and confused. They muttered goodnight to their son and went to bed.

* * * * * *

The next day at Harrington High, Casey Connor was a big hero. Aliens had been trying to take over the school. Zeke and Stokely and Casey had figured it out and Casey had despatched the alien queen with a pen full of Zeke’s pick-up dust. James was surprised to find he wasn’t all that interested. There was nothing he wanted to talk to Casey about any more. He started looking for excuses to talk to Greg instead.