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Went out to dinner with a friend last night, and it was great and we decompressed about our shitty day at work and the food was good and what I was craving, but it made me think about a thing that's been bugging me that I couldn't quite put my finger on when I go out to eat.
Our server was perfectly friendly, and brought our food as ordered, and offered us refills of our soda at appropriate times, but he also did the thing. The thing that makes me really uncomfortable. He offered us alcohol when he took our drinks orders. Fine. I said, "I'm driving, so no thank you. I'll have a soda." Why did I give him an excuse? What business is it of his why I don't want a margarita or a beer? Because I have become familiar with what will happen next, and I am trying to find ways to make it not happen.
When he came back with our drinks, he said, "Sure you don't want a shot?" Same thing when he came back with our food. When he offered me a refill, he said something about how he could still bring me a margarita. And it is SO FUCKING CREEPY I WANT TO SCREAM.
Now I appreciate that alcohol has a good markup, and that part of a server's job is to upsell. I don't mind being asked if I am sure I don't want an appetizer, or some guacamole with my chips, or that dessert, but when a man is trying to push booze on a woman who has said she does not want to drink, the whole rape culture that we live in comes in to play. At least for me. And I REALLY SUPER A LOT do not like it. I cannot think of the last time a female server has tried to get me to drink alcohol when I've declined. But I have had male servers BRING ME A DRINK I EXPLICITLY STATED I DID NOT WANT because I "looked like I could use it."
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.
And it's always bugged me, but I never really put into words in my own head why until last night. I am not the sort of person who feels comfortable explaining rape culture and grossness and creepy behaviour to someone I don't know at all who is trying to do their job. But it would be super great if shit like this could become a more widely spread cultural conversation. And if it could stop.
Our server was perfectly friendly, and brought our food as ordered, and offered us refills of our soda at appropriate times, but he also did the thing. The thing that makes me really uncomfortable. He offered us alcohol when he took our drinks orders. Fine. I said, "I'm driving, so no thank you. I'll have a soda." Why did I give him an excuse? What business is it of his why I don't want a margarita or a beer? Because I have become familiar with what will happen next, and I am trying to find ways to make it not happen.
When he came back with our drinks, he said, "Sure you don't want a shot?" Same thing when he came back with our food. When he offered me a refill, he said something about how he could still bring me a margarita. And it is SO FUCKING CREEPY I WANT TO SCREAM.
Now I appreciate that alcohol has a good markup, and that part of a server's job is to upsell. I don't mind being asked if I am sure I don't want an appetizer, or some guacamole with my chips, or that dessert, but when a man is trying to push booze on a woman who has said she does not want to drink, the whole rape culture that we live in comes in to play. At least for me. And I REALLY SUPER A LOT do not like it. I cannot think of the last time a female server has tried to get me to drink alcohol when I've declined. But I have had male servers BRING ME A DRINK I EXPLICITLY STATED I DID NOT WANT because I "looked like I could use it."
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.
And it's always bugged me, but I never really put into words in my own head why until last night. I am not the sort of person who feels comfortable explaining rape culture and grossness and creepy behaviour to someone I don't know at all who is trying to do their job. But it would be super great if shit like this could become a more widely spread cultural conversation. And if it could stop.
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I don't drink. At ALL. Most people in restaurants are ok with it, but friends/family and especially new acquaintences can be really weird about it. I've had people buy me orange juice with vodka in it (which, do they think I can't SMELL or TASTE it?) and numerous comments of "you should relax and have a drink" or "how do you have fun without drinking?" Eventually I started to use my dead, alcoholic Uncle as an excuse. But I shouldn't HAVE to.
For me, I don't make the connection with rape culture (esp as a lot of the time it's women saying this to me) but rather the all-pervaisive drinking culture we have in the UK. But I agree it has a different connotation when it's a guy doing it.
I'd be tempted to not tip at all, and to explain why, if asked, if a server kept doing it to me. But that's probably not the best way to have that conversation
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Regardless, you're 100 percent correct about the implications, in my book. I'm glad you brought it up; it needs to be aired.
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two things:
I live in a college town area where "ladies nights" are just an excuse to get young women falling down drunk. A coalition of women from the town decided to participate in the ladies nights and hang around the bars all evening nursing beers to keep an eye on things. Their stated goal was to discourage these "ladies drink free" nights specifically because of the way it perpetuates rape culture. I think it worked -- the leading bar backed way off on the ladies nights, yay.
second, I see these songs in pop culture perpetuating the idea that "what I did when we were drunk doesn't count" -- and I find that really, really disturbing. It sets up the expectation in the young woman that she should get shitfaced and that nothing that happens to her then is her fault or matters. That bothers me so much.
So yeah, I totally agree with you, and I think that server was WAY out of line. You could go to the manager without naming names. Even just on the principle of designated drivers. For real!!!
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I've worked as a server before and I was personally never told to push people to order alcohol,but I know that happens in some places, because like you said the mark up.
I would be very uncomfortable with a server, especially a male one pushing alcohol on me like that. And I can't believe a waiter went as to bring you booze when you said no, I wouldn't be okay with that.
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It definitely seems to be more a thing up here in Washington than it ever was in California, but I'm not sure why. Though the guy who brought me booze when I said no was in LA. He was one of those guys who walk around with a shots holster whose ONLY job is to get people to buy shots, and the others at my table were getting them, which is probably why he felt okay going that extra step. :/
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Fucking douchebag.
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You're right that it's creepy to feel coerced though.
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omg buffy's FACE is perfection.