rivers_bend

Title: This is not the fic you're looking for
Pairing: Cheeks/OMC, Adam/Tommy
Words: 2020
Rating: R
The Obvious: I do not know any of the people whose public personas are used in this story and neither believe nor mean to imply this actually happened.
A/N: There is a tradition in Bandom (and probably other fandoms, but that's where I've read it) of Not!Fic, and I really wanted to try writing some. Not sure how successful I was, but I had fun. Also, this stems from a conversation I had with bexless.
Summary: Don't Ask, Don't Tell gets repealed and Brad "Cheeks" Bell starts dating a Marine. Sutan marries his boyfriend, and Adam and Tommy stop for a quickie on the way to the reception. IDEK.



So Don't Ask, Don't Tell gets repealed, and everyone is like, \o/\o/ :D :D :D and a couple of months later Brad's cousin calls him up and is like, "My friend, Jared, he's in my unit--" and Brad is like, "Jared the Jarhead? Really?" and his cousin says, "Brad. Please. I'm trying to tell you--" and Brad interrupts again to say, "That's right, you can tell now!" and his cousin sighs and rolls his eyes and says, "And we can ask, too, and Jared asked me if my cousin he saw at our graduation was single."

"Which cousin?" Brad asks, because he doesn't like to assume, even though it would be pretty stupid for Ron to have called him if the cousin in question were Brad's sister or something.

"Jared said the really hot gay one, so I am guessing he means you."

And Brad wants to know if Jared is a nice guy or an asshole, and if he's hot, and Ron gives him the guy's facebook, and hell fucking yes, he's hot, like SUPER hot, and he doesn't have any offensive or weird interests or anything, and all his pictures are ones that you wouldn't mind your CO seeing, but Brad hops around his friends a little, and his friends look like they know how to have a good time, so Brad calls back and says Ron can give Jared his number. Because Brad is so not hooking up over facebook. UGH.

Jared actually calls the next day, which surprises Brad a little, because Ron wasn't ever the most reliable about shit like that, but maybe being in the Marines is good for him or something. And it turns out that Jared not only saw Brad at the graduation and thought he was hot, but he's totally a fan of Cheeks' youtube vids and stuff, but not in a scary stalker way, like, he didn't even know Ron's cute cousin was Cheeks until after he asked for his number, because Brad was all srs bsns graduation-ceremony and thus not as sparkly looking as usual when he saw him. And they talk on the phone a few times, and Jared is really funny, and smart, and all the things Brad likes in a boy, and then they webcam chat and he's just as hot as his pictures, only more so, because he's like, "so, hey, how do you feel about webcam sex," and Brad is like, "OMG YAY LET'S TOTALLY DO THAT," because he loves webcams and he loves sex, so mixing them sounds good, and so they do, and it's kind of hilarious, but also fun.

And they hit it off really well, but Jared's in Texas, and he's not sure where he's going to end up getting stationed and so they are like :D :D hot boy likes me, but D: D: because Brad doesn't really want to do a long-distance thing with someone with whom he hasn't even ever done a CLOSE-distance thing, and Jared totally gets that, but he really, really likes Brad and doesn't really want Brad to be dating other people, even though text messages and once or twice a week cyber-sex isn't really dating, but then Jared gets his posting and it's Los Angeles. And Brad was totally on the internet looking at plane tickets to Texas when Jared calls to tell him that he's coming to LA. So then they're both :D :D :D :D and flailing, though Jared insists he's totally doing it in a manly way.

They go out for real, and Brad is sure that it's going to suck, because he forgot to sparkle for a minute, but then he remembers that he is awesome and his life is awesome and it's all going to be awesome, and lo, it is! And they go out clubbing once or twice, and they have sex IRL which is pretty damn fanfuckingtastic because they already know what the other one likes, and Jared is as hung as he'd looked on webcam which is good, because Brad's heard what you can do with like fisheye lenses or something and he can't help it if he's a size queen.

Brad's trying to decide if he should have a dinner party or like a dance party or what to introduce Jared to his friends, when Sutan announces he's having a formal wedding reception now that Prop 8 has also been totally repealed and gays can get married in California again, and Brad decides that's the perfect time.

Jared looks fucking amazing in his dress whites, and Brad looks gorgeous in his suit and they're almost late because Brad really really wants to have sex again before they go, but Jared says he's not getting all dressed a second time because it took long enough the first time, so they get in the car, and Brad can't keep his hands off his boyfriend. Who's a fucking MARINE, thank you very much. This ain't no costume, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around.

When they get to the party, Sutan is like, "Damn, boy, you did good," and his husband gives them two thumbs up, and Brad is totally showing Jared off to everyone, but Jared is a nice guy and so he doesn't mind, even when some of the guests kind of give him the third degree, because Brad is fucking family, and you look out for family. And then Adam and Tommy show up, and Tommy looks like the cat who got the cream, and Adam looks like the cat who did the creaming, and Brad remembers that Adam was never very good at saying NO when Brad wanted sex one more time before they left the house, and he liked that, but he pretty much likes the buzz he's got going from being all sexually frustrated and watching his fucking gorgeous Marine strut around in his dress whites, too, so he's not complaining.

It's also not exactly un-fun that Adam's totally staring at Jared and Brad can see his brain working, like he's wondering if Jared's good enough for Brad--especially fun because Tommy's watching Adam and he's laughing like he can see it too. If they lived in a movie, Brad thinks he would be required to hate Tommy, but they don't, and he's glad, because Tommy is pretty much awesome, now that he's not the straight boy tying Adam up in knots that Brad thought he was at first. In an ideal world Brad would put Jared and Adam at a table and he and Tommy would retire to the bar and drink cocktails and laugh their asses off at them sizing each other up, but this is a party, so he satisfies himself with sidling up to Jared and rubbing his hands all over that Marine Corp-honed chest. Adam raises an eyebrow at him, and Tommy raises both eyebrows at Adam's crotch. Brad's having a GREAT night.

Adam on the other hand is D: D: because he's pretty sure he shouldn't be getting hard at a wedding reception at the sight of his ex is crawling all over a marine who's almost twice Brad's size, especially when Adam got a really fucking good blow job like two hours before, and especially especially when it means his current boyfriend won't stop laughing at him. Tommy doesn't even stop laughing when Adam says, "I hate you"--he just counters with "not as much as you love me," which, damn it, is true, so he goes to the bar for a drink.

One of Sutan's friends who Adam's met at a few parties is at the bar in full drag and looks AMAZING, so Adam talks to her for a while with his back to where Brad is sitting in his Marine's lap feeding him bites of chocolate omg. They have a rather fabulous conversation about buying shoes in Paris while Adam sips his cocktail all casual like and gets his dick under control, but then an adorable guy in a vintage tux comes up and slips his hand into the slit on Aurelia's (Adam thinks it's Aurelia, anyway) skirt, and suddenly Adam's left alone with nothing but the scent of expensive perfume and a broad wink over Aurelia's shoulder as she and her boy head toward the lobby.

Without the excuse of someone to talk to, it's not really gonna fly for Adam to stand with his back to the room, so he turns around. He's just in time to get an armful of Tommy Joe. "Hi," Tommy says, and Adam says, "Hey," and Tommy tells him about a guy named Felix who wants to change his name to Phoenix because he thinks he'll get more jobs that way--he's a model--and they get another drink and head to one of the tables where they can eat chocolate and drink coffee with their caramel martinis. Adam watches the people on the dance floor for a bit and then turns to tell Tommy that he's worried he's about to slip into a sugar coma and finds Tommy's gaze fixed across the room, a ridiculously sappy look on his face.

Brad's Marine is standing talking to Scarlett, her baby in one of his giant arms, his other hand on the back of Brad's neck. And no fucking wonder Tommy looks like that, men being sweet with babies is like his fucking kryptonite. Where did he even come from, seriously? Then Lee swoops in and grabs up his little boy to give him kisses all over and Tommy's grin gets even bigger like his face is gonna split in half, and the Marine squeezes Brad's shoulder and Brad stands up and they go to the bar. And at some point Adam is totally going to go over and insist on an introduction, because he cannot remember what Brad told him the guy's name was back when they first hooked up, and he cannot keep calling the guy "the Marine" all night, even if Brad is playing fucking coy; it's getting ridiculous.

But he doesn't have to, because Brad tugs his marine over to their table, drinks in hand, and introduces him as Jared. Jared still has his Texas drawl, and he shakes hands like he means it, smile polite and friendly at the same time. He's not Adam's type, and he's not much like Adam, but he and Brad do seem to make a good couple.

Adam can talk to anyone, but he doesn't know what to say to Jared. He blames the caramel martinis, because that's a lot better than admitting he's a little embarrassed he got hard watching the guy canoodle with Adam's ex.

So now Adam's sitting there half-hard with his ex and current boyfriends smirking at him and an ACTUALFAX MARINE WHO COULD KILL HIM WITH HIS BARE HANDS watching them smirk at him, and for the first time since like, a really long time ago, he's all tongue-tied, and then Brad pushes Jared down into a chair, does that ridiculously graceful thing that only tiny boys can do where he pours himself into Jared's lap, and then smiling, knowingly, he looks Adam right in the eye and says, "So, boys, why were you so late?" eyes all wide and innocent--and no one can do wide-eyed like Brad Bell--and just to finish Adam off completely he sips his drink while he waits for an answer, cheeks hollowing prettily around his straw.