Sorry, was that my face? [rivers

Since long before Prop 8 passed, I've had a problem with heterosexual weddings. Not in theory--straights can get married if they want--but in practice; attending is painful for me. And yet, I continue to attend. In large part because that's what you do, but also because I forget how much it hurts until I do it again.

My cousin's wedding is a whole weekend extravaganza. Thursday night was the rehearsal dinner, last night was a pre-wedding BBQ for family and wedding party, and today is the ceremony and the reception. I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's nice to see my parents again after ten weeks.

I can't even count the number of times I've heard something along the lines of "I don't have a problem with gay people, I just wish they wouldn't shove their lifestyle in our faces..." like straight people just have lives but we have a lifestyle. Fuck that. Thursday we were presented with a slide show of the bride and groom. It was cute and adorable, and nice to see the woman my cousin is marrying, as I don't really know her. But all the heteronormative lifestyle it displayed was really upsetting to me.

The prom pictures with strings of girls in dresses and boys in tuxes, the college theme parties with couples in matching outfits, the series of proposal pictures, the happy families portraits with mom, dad, two kids and a dog... That is a lifestyle, and it's one that school administrations, opinionated bigots, the voting public, state governments, the federal government, and thoughtless, ignorant people deny me and hundreds of thousands of queers every single day. And it's really fucking painful.

And I'm one of the lucky ones. Believe me, I know that. I have parents who not only love me, but who go way out of their way to support me, fight for my rights and the rights of others like me, who advocate tirelessly, who make sure that people who aren't as lucky as I am have someone to talk to. I have always lived where it was pretty much safe to walk down the street holding hands with a girl. I've never lost my job, or been denied housing, or had to find a different real estate agent, or been punched or kicked or stabbed or shot.

But I have been verbally assaulted, shoved, surrounded by a gang and taunted, threatened with violence, spent a year in my job defending my right to care for women in labour and live with my girlfriend, put up with insults, been told to pretend my girlfriend was a boyfriend, asked if I wouldn't rather be straight, been told I was abnormal, a freak, and sick, been asked not to flaunt my sexuality when I was talking about the fact my girlfriend was a vegetarian, lived with the fact that if I wanted to stay with my British partner I could not reside in the USA, had to spend a year gathering "proof" that my relationship was real, including letters, pictures, bills, and other documents in order to live with her in the UK, when straight couples just have to provide a marriage license, faced thousands upon thousands of media slights and insults every year, and spent twenty years coming out over and over and over and over because it's worse to live a lie than to put up with all that shit, and because I am one of the lucky ones, I feel a responsibility to everyone less blessed than I am to try to make their lives easier by keeping queerness from being a shameful secret.

I don't begrudge my cousin and his fiancee the happiness they've found with each other. But I have to admit I do begrudge them how easy it is for them to get married. How they don't have to have in the back of their minds that what they are doing today is a political act, how hundreds of convenient legal changes will happen to their relationship when they sign that license, how all the people here to see them today assume this is the 100% natural next step in their relationship. And, I'll admit, I resent that they don't know any of this.

I think someday soon I'm going to have to stop going to straight weddings. It's never an appropriate time to soap box, and yet grinning and pretending everything is fine and dandy feels like swallowing glass. But I'm here now, and I'll make the best of it. Thank god my parents get it, at least mostly.

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I was thinking about this yesterday: about how some people think putting a picture up where you have your arms around your same-sex partner is "pushing your sexuality on others" whereas telling your entire department that you and your opposite sex partner "are trying for a baby!" -- which means "We are having a lot of sexual intercourse!" -- is fine and dandy. Such a terrible double standard.

I absolutely support you in not wanting to go to straight weddings, especially the extravaganzas.

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I almost replied to a total stranger on Twitter the other night, who had said something about it being okay that Adam Lambert is gay but does he have to be so in your face about it, and in the mean time her twitter avatar was a picture of her with her daughter. And I was like, OMG THAT PICTURE IS FLAUNTING YOUR HETERO SEX. FUCK OFF. But I decided that I was going to let that one lie, as I don't know her, and maybe it's her niece or she adopted or whatever. Can of worms. But yes. Exactly.

and honestly, I often forget as I surround myself with you lot on here, who are aware of all this stuff, that so many people don't ever stop to think that gay people even exist. And I'm glad I can forget. But I wish I could forget because every person on this earth received consideration from every other.

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Big hugs and blessings on you.

--- I'm one of those privileged straight wives... but I think more and more straight folks are beginning to understand their own privilege, and see how wrong it is that so many are denied such a basic right -- the pursuit of happiness. Progress is incremental and steps backward frustratingly often.... I've seen some really important steps in my lifetime.... and I hope we get there with equal rights for ALL very very soon.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope the source of that pain is corrected and I pray it will happen soon.

At least here, in the slash community, and in the fan fic community at large, too, it's true that people are becoming more aware. Which is what makes me forget that there is a whole huge part of the country where it's not considered AT. ALL.

Huge changes are being made. And I just hope that continues.

♥

I personally just find weddings to be way over the top, and 90% of the time so dreadfully boring. I feel like now a days, people use weddings as an excuse to shove it in other peoples faces how 'happy' they are (wow that sounded a bit bitter on my part ^^') Just have a shot-gun wedding people, get it over and done with and save yourself some money at the same time.

But I completely agree. I know the world is slowly changing, but that just it, it's changing too slowly. And too many people take for granted what they have. And way too many heterosexual couples don't seem to realise that marriage isn't a Right right now, it's a privilege. It only becomes a Right when everyone can marry whoever they please, no matter what sex, race, religion, or heritage.

many heterosexual couples don't seem to realise that marriage isn't a Right right now, it's a privilege. It only becomes a Right when everyone can marry whoever they please, no matter what sex, race, religion, or heritage.

SUCH A GOOD POINT.

Thank you.

I don't begrudge my cousin and his fiancee the happiness they've found with each other. But I have to admit I do begrudge them how easy it is for them to get married. How they don't have to have in the back of their minds that what they are doing today is a political act, how hundreds of convenient legal changes will happen to their relationship when they sign that license, how all the people here to see them today assume this is the 100% natural next step in their relationship. And, I'll admit, I resent that they don't know any of this.

Nail on the head, and I am really glad that you put it out there. I am a firm believer in if it hurts, don't do it. The couple may be upset, but maybe they should think about what a grand display of privilege does the psyche of someone who does not have such basic civil liberties. ♥

This wedding turned out to be about ten billion times worse even than I expected, as it was very very VERY religious. I'm pretty sure it's the last opposite-sex wedding I am going to go to until DOMA is repealed and every state has equal rights.

♥

(no subject) —

maerhys.livejournal.com

*smishes you tight*

I can't pretend to totally understand, but I *have* been noticing things like that more and more in the last few years, how all these things are just *assumed*, and especially since I found out I can't have kids. I'm not gonna begrudge other people from having families, but I can't stand having that aspect of 'normal' life shoved in my face all the time by the rest of the world. :/

*more hugs*

Yeah, it's also just assumed from childhood that everyone is Straight. Not happenin'.

rivers-bend.livejournal.com

*hugs* I think what you've written here is a remarkably clear perspective that many people just don't have and never even consider. As you say, it's hard NOT to resent the straight world when they just don't have a clue what they have, when it doesn't occur to the majority of the straight folks that what they have *isn't* normal (or abnormal), that is, that it shouldn't come down to that for people in love who want to commit to each other for their lives.

For a lot of reasons that we discussed in person not long ago, I've had it easier than most bisexual people because of the way my coming out happened. Too, I spend a lot of my life in the closet, which I "get away with" because I'm married to a man. Anyway, this isn't about me, but I want to be clear on my point of reference so as not to sound disingenuous. Your revelations here have helped me to articulate some of the points I've been trying to make for years to my students about the "issue" of gay marriage (that it's even an ISSUE...that it should have to be one...). Your thoughts here will help me to expand the way I discuss it with them, and I hope that that, at least, gives you a little hope, if not comfort.

In other words, your pain isn't for nothing, hon, and maybe it'll spark change, you know? So thank you for talking so openly about such deeply painful personal feelings.

*hugs hard*

Yeah, Bis can hide, but I choose not to. And why should I? It's a free country.

I can only imagine how it must feel to go through all those things. But I know about the hetero stuffs, being Bi. It drives me up the wall. I never used to be interested in gay rights; that was, until I found out how unfair some things are for gay people.

Hetero people and their PDAs sometimes drive me up the wall, also. Not that I'm hating, but if a gay couple did half the PDAs a straight couple does, they would probably get in trouble with the police, or something similar.

I've been doing the queer rights thing for almost 25 years, since before I even came out. I feel sometimes like it's going to be never-ending. I guess that's how civil rights work goes.

So much word. Especially the bit about "lifestyles".

It makes me a little bitter that T and I have been together for ten years now, and yet we can't go get a marriage license in our state. We can't get insurance together with her current job. We're strangers, legally. It stings that my mom died before she could see us get legally married, y'know?

If I never hear the word "lifestyle" again I'll be quite happy.

And yeah. That is SO FRUSTRATING. I'm so sorry. *hugs you and T*

*hugs*

I've reached that point, too. My brother is getting married in a couple of months and...all joy to him, but damn. The sheer simplicity for them when it's this damn hard for us is as depressing as it is infuriating.

*hugs you again*

*so many hugs*

I really worry about how I'll feel if my brother decides to marry L. they won't have all the god stuff and they at least know how it is, but I'll still feel crappy, I know.

♥

This is such a coherent expression of the consequences of unexamined privilege, and how that hurts real people in real ways. Thank you so much for posting.

I like weddings. I like the idea of having a party to celebrate people's love for each other. I wish it could be that simple, and that we lived in a society where all those celebrations were treated equally, both legally and culturally.

<3333

I used to love weddings, but I've been totally put off them, now. which makes me sad.

♥♥

I don't have much to say that you haven't already said, but I absolutely hear you, and *hugs*

Thank you, sweetie. ♥

Oh man, I never thought of this before. I mean, I knew that marriage inequality is godawfully unfair, but it never came home for me in quite this way. I just...how do you not set people on fire? This is just. not. right. I'm so sorry that you are hurting.

thank you so much for that. It's good to know that I was able to convey some of how it feels.

and yeah. It was actually pretty hard to not set people on fire at this wedding today. A lot of talk about how god chooses a man and a woman to be together. Not for me.

You're exactly right. And I think millions of people need to hear what you're saying so that they all know exactly how difficult it still is to be gay. I keep telling myself that it will keep getting better, it just takes time. I mean, it wasn't really that long ago when black people had to sit at the back of the bus. It's very frustrating though.

I'm in Canada so it's better here, but still, there is a lot of the same feeling here. My parents were staunch believers in all that "those people not flaunting their life style" shit, much to my dismay. Although, to their credit, when my oldest friend came out to them, it didn't faze them. They still love her like a daughter.

I certainly commend you and your family for putting it out there.

thank you so much.

I guess on the plus side, I don't think it's fair, and I don't think it's right, and I'm not willing to be treated like a second-class citizen, and that's half the battle. The rest of the battle is just sometimes a whole lot of work.

I'm so glad your parents responded like that. It's why it's so important to me to be out; the more people know someone who is actually queer, the less scared and ignorant they can be.

Re: Thank you —

firiel77.livejournal.com

I can see how tainted the experience is from your perspective... and how easy it is for straight couples to overlook or ignore that.

At my straight wedding, my own mother felt the need to ask if it was "okay" with me if mom's best friend and her partner (women I'd known since I was a child) danced together at the reception. It made me sick that they even thought to ask, that somehow they needed permission, when anyone else just walked out on the floor!! So much wtf. :(

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm glad you were willing to share your experience with us.

It makes me really sad, because I used to love weddings. And I do think they are a beautiful thing to celebrate. But more and more it's becoming less and less tolerable for me to sit through them. Especially as the backlash to the marriage equality fight is for ministers to fill church ceremonies now with bible readings about how god chooses a man and a woman and their love is the only true love and blah blah vomit.

that is very sad that they felt they had to ask. :( It doesn't surprise me, though. Not with you and your gorgeous hubby, of course, but just a sign of the times.

I am so sorry you have been treated so shitty. No one should have to be treated like that because of who they love. I simply do not understand why anybody should feel at all threatened by two women or two men who love eachother enough to want to get married. It sucks that there is a double standard, that a straight couple can be all over eachother in public with kids staring etc., but if two lesbians or gay guys hold hands some fool starts yelling about "flaunting". ugh. makes me embarrassed to be straight sometimes.

the world can be pretty shitty all around, but it doesn't make it any less painful when you're getting the short end of the stick. It doesn't make any sense. But most hatred doesn't, to me.

Thank you <3

Thank you for such a clear and eloquent statement. Being both straight and single, there is a lot about your experience that I will never fully understand, but my time in Canada has really brought home to me the point that even if a society makes huge strides towards legal equality, there is still a hurtful gap in equality of social acceptance. So much of the ceremonial of heterosexual weddings has so many implications that I find disturbing -- norms of gender, display of socioeconomic status, the message to those who are not coupled or not heterosexually coupled that they are not eligible for affirmation -- that I feel that in addition to the huge amount of work that needs to be done on civil rights, there is a lot of cultural thinking that has to be rebuilt from a very fundamental level.

Being Canadian, I wish I didn't have to agree with you. It's a huge social statement (and not a good one) that a woman I work with, half a couple I know that have been together for over twenty years and are legally married, have all the tax benefits inherant in that. And yet I walk by her desk, and there is an array of pictures of their pets, her parents, and not a sigle photo of her wife. She talks about 'we' all the time, but never names her, never commits to a pronoun, even. It isn't a secret, but why should she feel such a stigma, so much trepidation at saying it, or putting up a photo, for goodness sake? Feels like one stepp forward, two back.

♥ I'm not a fan of weddingy weddings, full stop, they're a hell of a place for having to button up and take people's assumptions because it's not an appropriate forum; assumptions that wouldn't be reasonable for someone to articulate in any other forum (at least here, I'm not sure about over with you guys) about sexuality, breeding, family...the whole nine nominative yards. One day it will be better.

Thank you for articulating so clearly.

In the UK I only attended civil ceremonies, no religious ones, but only my ex BiL's wedding to his husband was really celebratory for me. I definitely know what you mean about the assumptions people articulate at weddings they don't elsewhere. I actually found that more in the UK, but that might be because I was different and therefore interesting and therefore someone people sought out to talk to there.

You are welcome. And thank you. ♥

*loves on you like WHOA*

♥

*loves on you right back*

♥

I had completely forgotten, over this long stretch of being busy with my own life and all it's trappings, why I had friended you in the first place. You are one of the people I've often aspired to be like, you know, because you care so damn much. because you're braver than I could ever imagine being, and you give me something to shoot for.

I can make up all kinds of stories where it's okay to be queer, and I can bury myself in the heteronormal bits of my existance that make it easier to get on with things, but you're right. It isn't reality. The world can be a crappy place.

I celebrate that there are people like you in it, because that makes it much less crappy for me. Now I wish I could make it less so for you.

*Hugs you hard* I'm sorry it's such a hard thing for you to endure, but I hope knowing how much you inspire the people around you is some comfort, Hon.

thank you so so much for those words, honey. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me. We've gone our separate ways in fandom, but I am still glad to have you in my life.

♥

dontkickmycane.livejournal.com

he prom pictures with strings of girls in dresses and boys in tuxes, the college theme parties with couples in matching outfits, the series of proposal pictures, the happy families portraits with mom, dad, two kids and a dog... That is a lifestyle
Absolutely. While I don't usually choose to partake in the trappings of that lifestyle, it's always been an option for me. I know I wasn't cognizant of that privilege growing up and I wish more people would discuss it.

And now I can't help but wonder if the Best Man at my wedding felt any of the same hurt as you do over having to participate materially in a ceremony he himself could not partake in.

I think it's something that more people are discussing, but it sometimes seems like a slower process than I'd like it to be.

Obviously I can't know how he felt, and hopefully because of who you and your hubby are, it didn't feel like that. He might like to talk about it if you asked, idk.

♥

I think there are varying degrees of "lucky". I know I consider you lucky to have an accepting family. I consider myself lucky that I'm not my cousin, Ray, who wound up becoming a priest simply because there was no way he could ever come out in my family. But really, none of it matters, because no matter how much better one might have it than the other, we're all unable to walk down a street holding our partner's hand without SOMEONE judging us, and there's nothing acceptable about that.

What I'm saying is - don't think that because you might have it easier in some ways than others that you somehow need to feel less pain, because it hurts us all equally. I love you, sweetheart, SO much. Keep your head up, even if your heart is holding it down. &hearts &hearts &hearts

Thank you, honey. And you're right. I was going to put this behind a cut, and I was going to put it flocked, and I realized that pretty much totally defeats the whole purpose of what I'm saying here. Being made invisible is painful, and we shouldn't have to put up with it anymore.

*adores forever*

*hugs you hard and for a long, long time*

My darling woman, I am horrified and disgusted and upset by the dreadful injustices you have endured, and my heart aches that so much of the world is so dreadfully backwards when it comes to basic human rights.

On a personal note, my pleasure in witnessing our country receiving its first female (and unmarried, childless and atheist) PM was short-lived when she opened her mouth and the words 'marriage is between a man and a woman' came out.

*clings and cuddles*

I think we all endure injustice in our lives, but there is enough pain to be received that is wholly personal in nature to have to put up with being treated badly because we belong to a class of people looked down upon by society at large.

That is too bad to hear about your PM. :(

*hugs more*

Lots of other people have said things that I was going to say, but in much more well-put ways.

I find myself getting emotional regarding everything you've talked about here--both sad and angry and so many more emotions--so I'll keep this brief before you end up with a 2,000 word comment. ;) But, I do want to say, though, that I'm sorry that you had to go through the things you did. I wish we could all love who we wanted to love without judgment or hatred around us. It's 2010...let's get moving!

In the meantime, lotsa♥

Thank you, sweetie. It is sad-making, and frustrating and angering. And hopefully things are changing, slowly but surely.

Spreading glitter helps :D

♥♥

*hugs*

Heterosexuality is shoved in everyone's face. Look at all the ads for dating sites. Why can't we have a TV ad with gay couples? Why can't we see a picture of two women with their arms around each other? Or two men?

The media. Movies. Romatic comedies with a woman and a man. Chick lit. A man and a woman find each other, have an obstacle, overcome it and live happily every after. Not two men or two women.

It starts early for girls. Barbie and Ken. There's no Ken and Steve or Barbie and Linda.

Okay, I don't think I helped here. Sorry. I'm going to go look at my pics of Adam and Tommy kissing. :D

Absolutely true that heterosexuality is ovewhelmingly what's portrayed. That's why I was happy to see in the 7/30 Entertainment Weekly an ad for K-Y that featured real-life couple Geoffrey & Rusty lounging on their bed. The ad had a paragraph on why their relationship was awesome enough for them to have been chosen one of three "America's Top Couple" winners on KY's Facebook page.

It's happening a little bit, that the monolith of hetero-only advertising is cracking. Not nearly enough. But a little.

This is a beautiful & clear articulation of just how unfair & hurtful hetero privilege can be, and I think it should be shared more widely - I think it would really bring the point home to many well-meaning yet oblivious straight folks whose imagination has simply never gone there. It's wonderful that your mom wants to share it with her PFLAG group. I'd love to see it disseminated to a more mainstream audience, too.

((Hugs))

I'd love to share it more widely, but I'm not sure where to go about doing that.

Thank you, honey!

♥

rivers_bend

January